To Kill the Patriarchy, We Must First Kill Our Own Internalised Misogyny

Fighting against the backlash that seeks to put women “back in their place".

Me at age 5, first day of school. Born to be a ‘good girl’.

I was born a ‘good girl.’ Both my parents will attest to this.

“You never gave us any trouble. You were always a good girl. Even from grade one, you’d come home from school and sit straight down and do your homework without being asked. We never had to worry about you,” says my dad.

“You were quiet and calm. You never bucked the system and always did what you were told. You were very easy to manage,” says my mum. “As the oldest child, you were very independent quite early and helpful with caring for your siblings.”

They can’t recall one instance of me being a ‘bad girl’ in my early years. While I don’t remember the specifics, my parents’ recollections ring true for me.

I have this overall sense that I was docile, compliant, obedient—almost characterless. I know that I was loved, and I had a happy childhood, but I was a meek and mild child, a ‘good girl’ through and through.

The ‘good girl’ evolves insidiously in our most formative early years. She’s gradual, subtle, sly and extremely harmful because she keeps us contained and tamed.

A ‘good girl’ follows in her mother’s footsteps, gets the good grades, chooses a career that will make her parents proud, is a dutiful employee, and concedes to the will of others.

Later she becomes the ‘dutiful woman’ who is a heroine on the home front, the glue of the family, and a whizz in the kitchen. She is the one who plays all the roles she’s been groomed for without questioning if there was something else meant for her.

At 61, I still recognise the remnants of the 'good girl' and the 'dutiful woman' in myself at times. They're damn hard to shake. And if you're a younger woman and don't think these apply to you, look again. Look real close. I'm willing to bet they're lurking around. An omnipresent presence.

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Internalised Misogyny: The Silent Killer

This is where internalised misogyny thrives.

It’s not just something society imposes on us; it’s something we learn to impose on ourselves. Internalised misogyny is when women unconsciously absorb and perpetuate sexist beliefs, attitudes, and biases against themselves and other women. It’s the voice in our heads that tells us we’re “too emotional” to lead, that shames us for taking up space, that makes us compete with other women instead of lifting them up. It teaches us that our worth is tied to how well we serve others, how much we sacrifice, how little we inconvenience those around us.

And crucially, it’s in how we internalise shame—about our bodies, our desires, our ambitions. We are taught to police ourselves and each other, ensuring we never stray too far from what is deemed “acceptable” for women.

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The Behaviours of the ‘Good Girl’ Turned ‘Dutiful Woman’

So, what are the behaviours of the ‘good girl’ turned ‘dutiful woman’? Here are just a few I’ve recognised in myself and that my friends have shared with me over the years:

• We don’t speak up or rock the boat, even in situations that are unjust and even harmful.

• We always aim to please others even at the expense of our own happiness.

• We say YES when we really want to give a resounding NO.

• We avoid conflict at all costs, always trying to smooth things over.

• We do what others expect of us, not what we truly want for ourselves.

• We accept things without question, particularly from those who assert their authority.

• We go along with the majority opinion and often ignore our gut instincts.

• We want everyone to like us and care too much about what others think.

• We can’t express our feelings to significant others, particularly the men in our lives who are more convincing or commanding.

• We put a lot of energy into hiding our emotions so others won’t think we’re hysterical or unreasonable.

• We say ‘sorry’ all the time when we don’t need to.

• We give more than we ever receive, which eventually depletes us.

• We believe we need a man/partner for our lives to be complete.

• We avoid seeking attention or standing out from others.

• We constantly compare ourselves to other women.

• We are overly focused on our body and beauty and want others to admire us for them.

• We use silence and tears instead of words and honesty to try to have our needs met.

• We expect our partners to know what we want so we don’t ask for it or go get it for ourselves.

• We put our partners’ sexual pleasure before our own.

• We step aside and let men, or others we believe are superior, take priority.

• We don’t take risks because we can’t face the possibility of being no good at something.

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Break Free Now: The Rebellion Against the ‘Good Girl’

Killing internalised misogyny means recognising these patterns and actively unlearning them. It means refusing to apologise for existing fully, supporting other women without judgment, and demanding space without guilt. It means reclaiming our voices, our power, and our right to take up space without fear or shame.

And this is more important now than ever. Women's rights are being rolled back at an alarming rate. The patriarchy, entangled with the new tech-bro oligarchy, is consolidating power, eroding our freedoms, and ensuring that women remain controlled and complicit. From reproductive rights to economic autonomy, from political representation to personal safety, we are witnessing a backlash that seeks to put women “back in their place".

And this fight isn't just about us. As climate collapse and environmental degradation accelerate, the role of women in leading systemic change is vital. Studies have shown that women’s leadership results in stronger climate policies, more sustainable communities, and a greater commitment to justice. Yet, internalised misogyny convinces many of us that we are not leaders, that we are not capable of radical transformation.

And that is the ultimate lie of the patriarchy.

It means embracing the discomfort that comes with unlearning. We will feel guilty, we will feel like imposters, and we will wonder if we’re being “too much". But here’s the thing: the world doesn’t change when women stay small. The world changes when women say NO, when they take up space, when they stop playing by the rules designed to keep them quiet.

So here’s my challenge to you: The next time you catch yourself slipping into ‘good girl’ behaviours, pause. Ask yourself: Who benefits from me staying small? Who profits from my silence? Then, take the risk—speak up, take up space, say NO without explanation. Because every time we do, we chip away at the man-made system that was never built for us to thrive in the first place.

That is how we start killing the patriarchy.

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Carolyn Tate is an author, educator and community-builder who writes to advance the rights of women, nature and the environment. This Brave Women Write Substack publication is FREE and delivered bi-weekly on Friday’s. If you like what you read, please support her work to help amplify women’s voices by sharing it with a friend.